I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
