It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
