I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
its liver damage thursday
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
