four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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