I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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