I want to have your abortion
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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