my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Dicks are not precious.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
