Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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