the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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