I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
