Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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