I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Operation Purity has been aborted
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Randomize
