So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
