I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
