I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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