just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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