you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
