I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
