were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
