your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize