I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
