I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
