I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i think my mom watched the whole time
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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