hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize