My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
