thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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