I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
