I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
