if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
