woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
