I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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