The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
