Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
