I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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