He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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