It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
