You can't special order awesome
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
