Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
