Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
