gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
