I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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