Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
