What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
