Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
