That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
