i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
