my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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