I wish I could punch you in the face.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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