Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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