I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize