Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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