I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize
