wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
