I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
