"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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