Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
