I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
