her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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