my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
