Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
