i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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