he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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