So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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