I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
