Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize