my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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