im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
