At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
that is very illegal...i love you.
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